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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
就在我开始平安夜祷告时,教堂停电了。教堂里的接待人员和我找到一些蜡烛,把它们放在礼堂周围。然后我重返讲道坛,整理了一下笔记后,我说:“刚才我讲到哪儿了?”传来一阵不耐烦的声音:“马上就讲完了!”
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语经典爆笑冷笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
汤姆早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是,汤姆去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”,汤姆说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的,”老板说,“问题是,昨天你人哪去了”?
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下面是读文网小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
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下面是读文网小编整理的经典爆笑英语冷笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在邮局上班,对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以,有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时,我还是非常平静地问她,“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了,”女顾客说,“我回到家的时候,我看到一个卡片,卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹,但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后,我把包裹给了她。“噢,太好了”,那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
The Mean Mans Party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
吝啬鬼的聚会
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后,再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答,“你总不会空着手来吧?”
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下面是读文网小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.
The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, Which month did he go away?
杰克给人鞠躬,飞快地一点头,就算完了。大家都怪他不懂礼貌。于是便有好心的人教他说,下次鞠躬的时候,你就在心里数:一月、二月、……一直数到十二月为止,然后再直起身来。这样,礼节就周全了。
第二天,杰克见到他的叔叔,他便如法炮制。这躬鞠得太久,叔叔吃了一惊,赶紧逃开了。杰克抬头一看,其叔早已不知去向,他便问过路人:我叔叔几月走的?
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下面是读文网小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话,以供大家学习参考。
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?
约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆:真糟糕,怎么回事儿?
约翰尼:我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑笑话,希望对大家有帮助。
"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"
这难道不好吗?
“你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。
“我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。
“但那预示着7年的坏运气。”
“我知道。”他高兴地说,“这难道不好吗?”
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Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人们什么时候说话最少?
学生甲:人们在什么时候说话最少?
学生乙:在二月。
学生甲:为什么呢?
学生乙:因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
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下面是读文网小编整理的爆笑英语冷笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."
大街上的一个超速驾驶者被警察拦住了。“但是警官”这个人说道,“我可以解释的”。“保持安静”,警察突然说道。“我将把你送往监狱,直到长官回来。“但是,警察,我……”。“我说过了保持安静,你要到监狱了。”几小时后,警察向监狱里看了看说道“算你运气好,因为我们的长官正在他女儿的婚礼上。他将带着一个愉快的心情回来的。”“你确定”在牢房里的这个人说道。“我就是新郎呀”。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
On the day of our final exam at my Community College in Santa Maria, Calif., we heard that the bookstore had changed its policy and would buy back our business-management textbooks. Before class, several of us dashed over to the store and sold our books. We were seated and waiting for the test when our professor announced that considering the difficulty of the final, it would be an open-book exam.
我在加利福尼亚的圣玛丽亚市一所社区大学读书。期末考试那天,听说书店在回购我们的工商管理课本。考试前,我们几个赶忙跑到书店把书卖了,随后,我们坐在教室里等着考试。这时候教授宣布:考虑到试题的难度,今天的考试我们决定开卷。
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下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑冷笑话,欢迎大家阅读!
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说:“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了,保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”
“这太巧了,”工程师说,“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了,保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
律师看起来有些困惑,“你是怎么引起洪水的?”他不解的问。
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Tony and his father are eating dinner .
托尼正和他爸爸一起吃晚餐。
Suddenly Tony asks his father, “Dad, are flies yummy ?”
突然,托尼问他的爸爸:“爸爸,苍蝇好吃吗?”
Dad frowns and says, “No, I think it’s yucky . Why do you ask me this question ? It’s a silly question.”
爸爸皱眉说:“我想不好吃。你怎么会问这个问题?这可是一个愚蠢的问题。”
But Tony says, “ There was one fly in your plate .”
可是托尼说:“刚才你盘子里有一只苍蝇。”
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英语笑话是指以一句英文短语或一个英文故事让说话者和听者之间觉得好笑,或是产生幽默感,笑话是一种经过艺术加工的语言形式,是艺术化的语言。下面是读文网小编整理的英语爆笑笑话大全,欢迎大家阅读!
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
中文:
父亲:哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒?
汤姆:我不知道,爸爸。
父亲:啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?
汤姆:我们老师,爸爸。
4、Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
译文:
老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说:“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”
妻子说:“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人。”
约翰逊:“但我希望你这么做。”
妻子:“为什么?”
约翰逊:“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”
5、A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
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一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信,“我非常希望带着我的狗,它很干净很有教养,你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”
旅馆主人立即回了封信,“我经营旅馆很多年了,狗从没偷过毛巾,床单, 餐具,或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它,狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆,如果它为您担保,也欢迎您来。
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
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One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.
一天,父亲与小儿子一块儿回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。
Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?"
他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?”
"Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
“唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。”
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
“可是,爸爸,”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
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Billy hare is hungry and finds a radish. When he picks it up, Mr. Fox is behind him and wants to eat him. “I’m hungry, too. You’ve my dinner. I’m going to eat you.” he says.
野兔比利很饿,他找到了一只萝卜。当他捡起萝卜的时候,狐狸先生正在他的身后,想吃了他。 “我也饿了。你是我的晚餐,我要吃了你。”狐狸说。
Billy Hare is shocked, but he isn’t scared. He says, “Follow me. I have better food for you.”
They go to a well.
比利很吃惊,但是他并不害怕。他说:“跟我来,我有更好的食物给你。”
他们来来一口井边。
英语笑话大全之爆笑笑话——聪明的野兔
“Look down here,” Billy Hare says “There is something in the water. “What’s that?” Mr. Fox asks surprisingly. “It’s a big and fat hen. Let’s get down and fetch it.” Billy Hare says and gets down with a pail.
“Can you put the hen into the pail?” Mr. Fox shouts. “No. She’s too big,” Billy Hare says, “Come down, please. We can take her up together. Jump into the other pail.”
“朝这下面看,”比利说, “水里有东西。”“是什么呀?”狐狸先生好奇地问:“那是一只有大又费肥的母亲。我们下去把她捉上来。”比利说着,乘一只水桶下去了。
“你能把鸡放进桶里吗?”狐狸问他:“不行,这只鸡太大了,”比利说,“下来吧。我们可以一起把它捉上去。快跳到另一只水桶里吧。”
Mr.Fox does so. When he gets down, Billy Hare gets up. “Good-bye!” Billy Hare gets out of the well and says. Mr. Fox can’t get out.
狐狸照做了。当他下去的时候,比利就上来了。“再见。”比利从井里出来时说。而狐狸却出不来了。
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